This journal is simply to let everyone know that I won't be on deviantart very much anymore. It just isn't an important part of my life anymore, and when I reach out for support, it's not there; so I'm just going to talk to other people. It just feels as if the site's not like it once was. People don't seem to care like they did at one time.

I'm going through a lot of problems in my life right now, but they're the kind that sound silly in print but nevertheless are affecting me. If you care to talk, message me and I'll send you my email address. If you have some other way of contacting, go ahead and message me. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to people. I need to, and I know that.

So, goodbye. I'll continue writing and making art, but I'll find some outlet to share it. I probably will be on occasionally, but for sure a lot less often. Thanks to everyone who's supported me on here.

Remember that list, the 100 things I want to do, sometime or another? I crossed 5 things off of it today. I haven't touched it since I wrote it, essentially, more than 6 months ago. And I've accomplished 5%, 1/20th of those goals I considered important back in early March.

They're mostly simple, and none are writing related, that I can recall - they're just things like Wear a red dress (I apparently had never done this) and Fall in love.

Oh, the joy of cleaning my room. Discovering old stuff randomly.

And, speaking of writing from March, old journal! It's an interesting thing. March was a really tough month for me, especially the beginning, for various reasons I won't detail. February was the one-acts and so that was intense but fun, and April was relaxing and fun for a variety of reasons; March was the in-between.

From March 8, 2009:
But by the time spring break starts (Friday) I will start a novel, whether it is a brilliant sparkling new idea or one I have to dredge up out of the nothingness of my imagination. Normally, my imagination is something I’m proud of. You know those questionnaires you fill out about yourself on MySpace sometimes? Shoe size, have you ever been in love? I would put something like “my eyes” for my best feature, but really, I always thought my best feature was my imagination. Now, though, it feels like slush. I’ve thought too much, written too much. It’s all used up, stretched out like gum that’s over chewed. That’s a pretty pathetic thought, but right now it’s true. Heck, I feel like that poor piece of gum, all gross, can’t even keep hold of myself.

March 8 was also the day I started the 100 things list. Not a coincidence, really. Oh, and I never did start that novel, although I started on several weeks later (Quartet).

I wish I could give past-me a hug!

I guess the point of this is that I feel like that journal entry now. Lately I've been really bad, emotionally. I don't typically talk about my emotions in dA journals - anymore - but I can't help it. This week, this month, I've been a wreck. I don't know what I need but I need something. I don't understand it. I feel sane but I cry all the time. One day I'll cry if I have to stay home alone all day, and the next I'll cry if I can't. I'm alternately loving and hating people. It's disturbing, and I don't like it! Today was a "hating" day, and I didn't leave the house for that. And I haven't written anything in a really long time. I'm planning NaNo, but I don't know how that will work, even. I'm freaked out

I'm in a weird, philosophical mood right now. So much has happened lately, and I just am beginning to realize that I will never be able to go back to the way I was. Is this good or bad? I don't know. Right now I'm very happy about where I am in life, but I wish sometimes that I could freeze time, that I could just stop what I am, stop where I'm going, stay a kid forever.

It's not possible.
I know this.

Oh well.

I was going to edit and submit another photograph.
They're all on my family's desktop computer. It's broken.
...Yeah, whatever.

I'm drifting again. I feel lost.

I want to be who I used to be. I'm changing. Not good or bad but different. I can't stop it.
I want to stop it.

PERSONAL.

Real name: Cecilia
Nickname: Ceci
DeviantArt name: ~rebeldork
Gender: Female


FAVORITES.

Color: sky blue/orange
Food: chocolate!
Drinks: I dunno, lots.
Reading at the moment (1 only): How to Read Literature Like a Professor (for school)
Song at the moment (1 only): "Islander" by Nightwish
TV Program (1 only): Firefly
TV Channel (1 only): NBC
Book: The Hero and the Crown
Ice cream flavor: Cake batter!

VERSUS.

Sweet or spicy?:
Sweet

White chocolate or dark chocolate?:
Dark. Or milk. Either's fine.
(Although I recently had some Estonian white chocolate that I really liked...)

School or mall?:
Mall. Why is this even a question?

Desktop computer or laptop?:
Laptop

Ice cream or cake?:
Depends on what kind. Ice cream usually.

Anime or cartoons?:
Cartoons! Although I supposed a lot of the cartoons I watched as a child (Pokemon, Digimon) were actually anime, but I didn't know the term. Hn.

RnB or Pop?:
Pop, I suppose.

DEVIANART

What is your most favorited deviation in your gallery?
"Josephine" [link] with 17

Who is your first watcher?
~Jen042184

How many watchers do you have right now?
72

How many deviations do you have?
208

At the moment, how many are your page views?
9,943 (almost 10k! More on this below)

Who of your watchers do you talk to the most?
~Frayu-Typo or ~vikingjon

Are you a subscriber?
No, and not likely to be.

When did you start using DeviantArt?
June 2007

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I'm almost at 10,000 views!
If you catch it, you can request something.

Almost anything.

And it shall be made into art!